Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Blew my mind.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.