Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

A bold strategy

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco