Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Hey i am sexy to you now

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

By Kate Hatos

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.