@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

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@hansabumsadaisy

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@girlwithatail

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@lmwortho

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

@KellyMeldrum

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

@Hobo_Splendido

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

@Skoogeth

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]