Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

be careful

I basically called this earlier today

6: are snakes just neck?

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”