Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Discuss

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.