i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
this is the best interaction on twitter
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.