Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Going to church you guys need anything
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Running from your problems is cardio .
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.