I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.