Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

This woman is my idol. Free her.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

The big book of baby names but for safe words

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*