I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
You Might Also Like
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*