I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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Hmm 🧐
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.