I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
adam and eve had first world problems
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,