I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?