Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.