I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.