I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Your secret is safeish with me
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.