I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once