Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

This is my brand.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.