I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Geez man, take it easy.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*