I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.