Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

me watching my own Instagram story

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Broom by every window for quick escape.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.