Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

I just love that new Pope smell.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad