I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad