Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Knock Knock

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate