Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half