I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
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Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Sunday
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC