I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
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I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Very problematic
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Bruh 😂
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.