i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Breaking news:
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Feels like the fourth month in January
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now