i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.