Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.