I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*watches the world burn*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.