I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.