I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS