I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.