In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph