I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.