I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Crying is a sign of leakness.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.