I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
This checks out
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.