“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’d use my best pan on you.
Mornin
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?