Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

‘I know a black person’

– White people

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

ㅤ

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

I missed you with all my darts

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.