Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

never ask a starfish for directions

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”