I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big