Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

I think I’ll stand

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala