Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.