Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.