“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.