Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..