Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

LMAO.