I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…