Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Bringing home a sharpie

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion