I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
girls literally only want one thing..
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
me doing my best
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!