Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

relationship goals

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

Body by sandwich.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds