I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
same energy
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”