Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Cheers Twitter.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.