I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”