Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

I’m confused about plants

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!