Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

Customer is always right

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…