Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

🙄

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*