I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA