I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
