I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
A French press is when you hug naked
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.