I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.