I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
What’s the point buying it then?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!