I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I mean…but I did
