Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.