I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
This came to me in a dream.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.