I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…