Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home