I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion