I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?