I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
this is how life feels
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake